The Wisdom of Being Selfish

This wisdom has been one learned by me through a life of doing just the opposite. I have been, for most of my life, a total "people pleaser"; living my life according to what I thought others wanted or needed. In pleasing others, my hope was that I would gain love, respect, friendship, or appreciation. I hoped that if I could achieve this then I would be happy. Years using this model never brought me even the slightest bit closer to happiness! In fact, I created only misery, resentment, anger, bitterness and pain by placing my needs and desires in the background of the 'apparent' needs and desires of others.

I would say yes to relationships and events that really did not feel right for me, and in doing so I created pain and misery for myself and others. The unfortunate result of saying yes when I really meant no is that I would constantly want to break commitments, or develop silent brooding resentments, and I'd give numerous double signals, confusing everyone including myself.

In recent years, I have realised that it is actually impossible to make another human being happy; it is only possible to make one's own life happy. And if we are successful at reaching an inner state of contentment or bliss well, we may just radiate some of that happiness outward, and then others, noticing our obvious happiness and wanting some for themselves, may begin to make choices that lead to their own moments of happiness.

Answering the call of Obligation is not a winner! It is a lie brought to life in action. It can only create pain. Braving the call to follow in every moment your deepest needs and wants, to attempt to be ever present to you inner truth and to bring this fearlessly into relationship and the world, will only increase everyone's chances of finding happiness through aligning with their real path.

Whenever this topic comes up, I can feel people's fears instantly surface: "Who will love me?" "What will people think of me?" "What if following what I want leads to murdering or stealing?" "Who will take care of my children?"

People equate selfishness with evil and wrong doing! These fears are deep-seated and completely unquestioned by most everyone I meet...especially women! Giving yourself permission to be selfish, is not the same as giving yourself permission to do anything you want to other people, animals or objects!! ANY action involving another sentient being requires consent and care for the other.

But if you look deep in your heart and you feel, for example, that you just want a week without the kids; that you need this to stay sane or stay loving, then your act of selfishness is also caring for the highest needs of all involved. If you run out the door without considering the impact on your children and partner, of course there will be consequences. This is not what I mean. But if you plan your escape, arrange for the kids to be cared for by others, and take your week out with your self...how do you imagine you would return to your family after that week out? Calmer, more loving, more vibrant??? yes, I think so! And by taking your own needs seriously, you also role model for your children the art of self care; you teach your children to be responsible for their own happiness. And just as we have spoken about here, it is important that selfishness is matched with attention to those whom it affects.

When we truly give ourselves permission to follow our own needs, the supportive and respectful internal environment we create actually then becomes reflected in how we treat others. We support them in their needs, we don't nag them or manipulate them and we respectfully inform them of our own needs and wants. They in turn are likely to feel supported and then are instantly more likely to support us in meeting our needs and wants too! Its a happy cycle. No-one loses. Everyone wins!

Wisdom No 2

Do only those things that you actually want to do in life; please only yourself and allow other people to please themselves. In fact, encourage everyone in your life to please themselves. Take responsibility for your own choices and your own truth.