As I sit here and eat my eggs this morning, a thought occurs to me: Identity is a trap. It is something we are very attached to and probably cannot imagine living without, especially in Western culture. You might be asking: "What does this even mean? Of course I have an identity; I am such and such, from here or there, and I do this and that." And that's right - this is how we put ourselves in boxes and categories. Our identity makes us feel secure, because we know who we are... And 'knowing who we are' is also the death of freedom, creativity and originality because when we choose certain identifiers, we also exclude others.
I remember a little example of this from my earlier years. A good friend had gone off to study at University, as most of us had at that time. I was living in another town and hadn't seen her for a couple of months and when we spoke next, she informed me that she had dropped out of Uni. She asked me if I was mad at her and I couldn't quite understand what she meant? Why would I be mad? Then I realized that she must be mad at herself - but why? Eventually the answer dawned on me. She was mad at herself for not being who she thought she was going to be, and presumably whom she imagined others wanted or expected her to be!!
Truthfully, and I said this to her, I was happy she was following herself. The same test came for me years later, whilst doing further studies. I felt passionately about my studies and had invested large amounts of personal energy, time and money in them over 10 years. I was coming close to completing this path of study and that felt exciting, however, I had also begun to notice that I felt restricted by the identity and commitments connected to this path of study. This was really curious to me because these studies had taught me so much about freedom and listening to myself - how could this path not feel free to me? It didn't seem to make any sense and there was all the pressure coming from the fact that people expected me to finish, and I expected me to finish, and of course from the amount I had invested up to this point - how could I drop it all so close to the end?
Eventually I chose to conclude my studies, to 'drop out' and to choose what felt true for myself in that moment. The freedom I felt upon quitting was liberating and magical. I suddenly felt more in contact with myself, and my deep nature. I felt my identity was set free from a cage I had been keeping it in, a cage that had once felt warm and supportive, but eventually came to feel restrictive.
The lesson for me in this: that our path and our identity are unpredictable and fluid and we need to constantly update the truth of who we are. It is not 'set in stone', nor does it always make sense to the one in us who is trying to make sense of it all. A life is not always coherent from the point of reference of the one observing. A life twists and turns and flips back on itself. If our identity is not able to move fluidly with these changes, then I think we begin to feel the symptoms, in our lives, in our bodies, and in our relationships.
Many of these ideas were first crystallized for me by the author Arnold Mindell, and I believe he has drawn from similar concepts in Shamanic traditions worldwide. Mindells' ideas are a fresh and much needed perspective in this day and age. Even though I left the training program dedicated to his ideas in my home country, I feel closer than ever to living them authentically in my life. All my teachers have contributed to this, but in actuality, I now trust that my greatest teacher is my own deep nature, my shape shifting and ever evolving SELF.
Wisdom No 3
Just because you have landed upon a particular path in life or decided upon a particular identity, do not hold yourself to it. Allow yourself the freedom to experiment with your identity and your life path in any way you choose; do not assume that you know who you are or who you should be. Ask instead: Who does the world want me to be in this moment? And what does the world want from my life right now? Keep asking yourself these questions, following the answers and then be surprised at where your own path goes when it is allowed the freedom to roam.
Right that's it from me - I'm going surfing :)
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
The Wisdom of Being Selfish
This wisdom has been one learned by me through a life of doing just the opposite. I have been, for most of my life, a total "people pleaser"; living my life according to what I thought others wanted or needed. In pleasing others, my hope was that I would gain love, respect, friendship, or appreciation. I hoped that if I could achieve this then I would be happy. Years using this model never brought me even the slightest bit closer to happiness! In fact, I created only misery, resentment, anger, bitterness and pain by placing my needs and desires in the background of the 'apparent' needs and desires of others.
I would say yes to relationships and events that really did not feel right for me, and in doing so I created pain and misery for myself and others. The unfortunate result of saying yes when I really meant no is that I would constantly want to break commitments, or develop silent brooding resentments, and I'd give numerous double signals, confusing everyone including myself.
In recent years, I have realised that it is actually impossible to make another human being happy; it is only possible to make one's own life happy. And if we are successful at reaching an inner state of contentment or bliss well, we may just radiate some of that happiness outward, and then others, noticing our obvious happiness and wanting some for themselves, may begin to make choices that lead to their own moments of happiness.
Answering the call of Obligation is not a winner! It is a lie brought to life in action. It can only create pain. Braving the call to follow in every moment your deepest needs and wants, to attempt to be ever present to you inner truth and to bring this fearlessly into relationship and the world, will only increase everyone's chances of finding happiness through aligning with their real path.
Whenever this topic comes up, I can feel people's fears instantly surface: "Who will love me?" "What will people think of me?" "What if following what I want leads to murdering or stealing?" "Who will take care of my children?"
People equate selfishness with evil and wrong doing! These fears are deep-seated and completely unquestioned by most everyone I meet...especially women! Giving yourself permission to be selfish, is not the same as giving yourself permission to do anything you want to other people, animals or objects!! ANY action involving another sentient being requires consent and care for the other.
But if you look deep in your heart and you feel, for example, that you just want a week without the kids; that you need this to stay sane or stay loving, then your act of selfishness is also caring for the highest needs of all involved. If you run out the door without considering the impact on your children and partner, of course there will be consequences. This is not what I mean. But if you plan your escape, arrange for the kids to be cared for by others, and take your week out with your self...how do you imagine you would return to your family after that week out? Calmer, more loving, more vibrant??? yes, I think so! And by taking your own needs seriously, you also role model for your children the art of self care; you teach your children to be responsible for their own happiness. And just as we have spoken about here, it is important that selfishness is matched with attention to those whom it affects.
When we truly give ourselves permission to follow our own needs, the supportive and respectful internal environment we create actually then becomes reflected in how we treat others. We support them in their needs, we don't nag them or manipulate them and we respectfully inform them of our own needs and wants. They in turn are likely to feel supported and then are instantly more likely to support us in meeting our needs and wants too! Its a happy cycle. No-one loses. Everyone wins!
Wisdom No 2
Do only those things that you actually want to do in life; please only yourself and allow other people to please themselves. In fact, encourage everyone in your life to please themselves. Take responsibility for your own choices and your own truth.
I would say yes to relationships and events that really did not feel right for me, and in doing so I created pain and misery for myself and others. The unfortunate result of saying yes when I really meant no is that I would constantly want to break commitments, or develop silent brooding resentments, and I'd give numerous double signals, confusing everyone including myself.
In recent years, I have realised that it is actually impossible to make another human being happy; it is only possible to make one's own life happy. And if we are successful at reaching an inner state of contentment or bliss well, we may just radiate some of that happiness outward, and then others, noticing our obvious happiness and wanting some for themselves, may begin to make choices that lead to their own moments of happiness.
Answering the call of Obligation is not a winner! It is a lie brought to life in action. It can only create pain. Braving the call to follow in every moment your deepest needs and wants, to attempt to be ever present to you inner truth and to bring this fearlessly into relationship and the world, will only increase everyone's chances of finding happiness through aligning with their real path.
Whenever this topic comes up, I can feel people's fears instantly surface: "Who will love me?" "What will people think of me?" "What if following what I want leads to murdering or stealing?" "Who will take care of my children?"
People equate selfishness with evil and wrong doing! These fears are deep-seated and completely unquestioned by most everyone I meet...especially women! Giving yourself permission to be selfish, is not the same as giving yourself permission to do anything you want to other people, animals or objects!! ANY action involving another sentient being requires consent and care for the other.
But if you look deep in your heart and you feel, for example, that you just want a week without the kids; that you need this to stay sane or stay loving, then your act of selfishness is also caring for the highest needs of all involved. If you run out the door without considering the impact on your children and partner, of course there will be consequences. This is not what I mean. But if you plan your escape, arrange for the kids to be cared for by others, and take your week out with your self...how do you imagine you would return to your family after that week out? Calmer, more loving, more vibrant??? yes, I think so! And by taking your own needs seriously, you also role model for your children the art of self care; you teach your children to be responsible for their own happiness. And just as we have spoken about here, it is important that selfishness is matched with attention to those whom it affects.
When we truly give ourselves permission to follow our own needs, the supportive and respectful internal environment we create actually then becomes reflected in how we treat others. We support them in their needs, we don't nag them or manipulate them and we respectfully inform them of our own needs and wants. They in turn are likely to feel supported and then are instantly more likely to support us in meeting our needs and wants too! Its a happy cycle. No-one loses. Everyone wins!
Wisdom No 2
Do only those things that you actually want to do in life; please only yourself and allow other people to please themselves. In fact, encourage everyone in your life to please themselves. Take responsibility for your own choices and your own truth.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Welcome Wisdom
Welcome to my blog "365 Days of Collected Wisdom".
It's very late Friday night or early Saturday morning. I am unable to sleep and have been thinking about starting a blog, primarily as an outlet for the thoughts that accumulate in my head.
My intention is to share a new "collected wisdom" every day for the next year. I call them collected wisdoms because the ideas I will share here have been collected by me through my life up to this point. Some have been handed down by my various life teachers, and some have popped out of my own mouth before I knew what I was saying. Others are collective wisdom, familiar advice handed down from generation to generation. If I can reference an author I will do so. If readers can assist me in referencing the author of any idea contained here, I will happily acknowledge it.
I don't claim that much here is original to me; even the thoughts I heard first from my own mouth feel more like 'Universal Truths' that I have somehow channelled in a special moment of clarity, and I can almost feel the minds of past sages wrapped around the words. Mostly I hope you enjoy these posts, that they inspire you on your journey, and that you spread the word about anything that speaks to you in this blog... After all, wisdom is without purpose if it is not shared :) I have no idea whether I can come up with a whole year of wisdom, but it seemed like a good challenge and a way to give this blog some focus and purpose. I guess we shall see how I go! Anyway let's get started:
Wisdom No 1
True wisdom belongs to no-one and everyone; wisdom is a collective phenomenon, arising from the sheer volume of repeated human experience (our successes and our mistakes) around the world and throughout the history of our time on the planet.
It's very late Friday night or early Saturday morning. I am unable to sleep and have been thinking about starting a blog, primarily as an outlet for the thoughts that accumulate in my head.
My intention is to share a new "collected wisdom" every day for the next year. I call them collected wisdoms because the ideas I will share here have been collected by me through my life up to this point. Some have been handed down by my various life teachers, and some have popped out of my own mouth before I knew what I was saying. Others are collective wisdom, familiar advice handed down from generation to generation. If I can reference an author I will do so. If readers can assist me in referencing the author of any idea contained here, I will happily acknowledge it.
I don't claim that much here is original to me; even the thoughts I heard first from my own mouth feel more like 'Universal Truths' that I have somehow channelled in a special moment of clarity, and I can almost feel the minds of past sages wrapped around the words. Mostly I hope you enjoy these posts, that they inspire you on your journey, and that you spread the word about anything that speaks to you in this blog... After all, wisdom is without purpose if it is not shared :) I have no idea whether I can come up with a whole year of wisdom, but it seemed like a good challenge and a way to give this blog some focus and purpose. I guess we shall see how I go! Anyway let's get started:
Wisdom No 1
True wisdom belongs to no-one and everyone; wisdom is a collective phenomenon, arising from the sheer volume of repeated human experience (our successes and our mistakes) around the world and throughout the history of our time on the planet.
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